Backpacking and staying in hostels comes with a myriad of advantages: cheap rates, a more authentic experience of the places you’re visiting, making friends couldn’t be easier… You get the gist. Regrettably, a glistening swimming pool laden with wet hunks and babes to gawk at is seldom one of them. And one that would be most welcome when you’re in SE Asia at the peak of summer and nowhere near the ocean.
Living out of a backpack and off your fast-dwindling savings is undeniably an effective catalyst for self-reliance and ingenuity, and sweaty times call for slick measures. That’s where the eons-old practice of crashing Park Hyatt hotel pools comes in.
Here’s how you do it:
1. Locate a hotel/resort of your liking near you that lists a pool as one of their amenities. It can be as posh or as utilitarian as you’d like, but if you’re going to be a bum, you might as well do it in style.
2. Study their website and scope out the hotel’s layout in advance. The more familiarized with it you are, the less conspicuous you’ll act.
3. Be sure to make up a room number in your head in advance, in case someone asks you. Room numbers always include the floor number, so room 1004 will be the 4th room on the 10th floor. The system is different for bungalows, of course, so scope that out as soon as you arrive. Don’t be a newb and say something like “Uh…room 3”; that’s probably a broom closet.
4. If you go the fancy route, I recommend taking a cab to the hotel, even if you catch it from only half a mile away to save money. You’re not a backpacker anymore, you’re a wealthy tourist; you’ve got to look the part. You know those comfy crocs or fake Birkenstocks that feel like walking on plump newborns? Chuck ‘em. You’re not going to Lollapalooza.
5. I hate this part, but it has to be done. If anyone opens the door to the hotel for you or greets you as you walk in*, be polite but not obsequious. You’re not excitedly arriving at the hotel for the first time: you’ve been here for days and the excitement has worn off.
6. Absolutely no gawking around as you stride into the hotel, no matter how sumptuous it is. In fact, you’re too busy texting on your phone to even notice it. You can’t wait to be back in your room and rest; you’ve just had the most authentic Thai experience eating General Tso’s chicken with ketchup on Khao San Road, and being such an intrepid explorer is exhausting.
7. Discretely lift your gaze but not your face from your phone and try to locate the elevators, but pretend to keep texting. When you spot them, go in with actual guests, if possible; a room key may be required to operate them. You don’t want to walk back out while the receptionists look at you inquisitively and ready to kick you out and back to your pool-less hostel.
8. If you catch a glimpse of a hotel worker looking at you suspiciously at any time, pull out your phone and pretend to talk to a friend. Lament about not being able to find the perfect I Heart Thailand keychain for little McKenzie and having the worst day evah. Then start rambling about your gluten intolerance. No one will bother you.
9. When you get to the pool or gym, be sure to collect a monogrammed hotel towel if everyone around you has one. The last thing you want is to attract attention to yourself with a Peptobismol beach towel when everyone else’s says Four Seasons.
10. When asked your room number, answer with confidence and immediately enquire where the cucumber water you requested ten minutes ago is. Don’t give their brains time to process whatever bullshit room number you came up with.
11. Keep a low profile. Think more James Bond and less Austin Powers.
12. High-end hotels normally have equally luxurious shower rooms next to their infinity pools, which are normally deserted because everyone else there but you has their own private bathroom. Take advantage of that, and enjoy the free shampoo, shower gel, AND conditioner. Be sure to wear your shower shoes; rich people get athlete’s foot, too, and that’s a souvenir you don’t want from your excursion to their world.
* If you’re crashing a resort, ignore steps 3 to 5, as you likely won’t have to walk through reception to get to the pool or the gym.
And that’s how you crash a luxury hotel pool. Is it wrong? Well, I like to think of it as sociological research. How would you be able to empathize with rich travelers without knowing their plight? You’re doing them a favor, really. Now snatch a couple of those complimentary chocolates on the way out. Homework has never hurt anyone.
Would you ever crash or have you ever crashed a luxury hotel? Share your tips and stories below!
Such great tips and I definitely agree with gate crashing in style. I have often walked into resort pool areas (whilst exploring a city/beach) without being questioned and then wondered why I didn’t have my bathing suit on me. Next time I will just go for the kill.
Thank you, Jyotsna!! It’s definitely the best policy. All you need to do is act with confidence and pretend you know exactly where you’re going. Haha!